10th day

So I was thinking that in my life I have been very sad, as a child. I would justify that sadness with a lot of things I desired to be and I could not be, and in that sadness I would for example imagine me already as a grown up person, for example with 20 years, and imagining what would I say to myself in that moment. Do you know what I used to imagine? For example... a person saying you must work very hard or you will be a failure! you must be more than you are! And at the same time, sometimes I imagined that future me deffending me from the people hurting me. It's curious how I did't notice what I was doing to myself, in one hand I was saying pain to myself becuase it's the reality, and in the other hand I was deffending myself because that's what I wanted my future self for, to protect me and help me.

Now that I am a mature person, I would say something so beautiful to that child, that he would cry, it would be like exactly those words he has never spoken, the same exact beauty he has denied, and he would feel that normal life is beautiful. He didn't know that all the pain it was there because there was a song that wanted to be expressed.
That child inside of me would take the word heart and say, what is that, it's the most useless meaningless thing. I knew the language of the heart, but I had a complete reality dening it.

I would have liked to have someone to guide me, that tried to connect with my real self. One day I told my dad that I always thought that when I grew up I would kill myself, and he was impressed by that comment of me, but he instantly reacted normal, like it's just a normal comment of a normal child. I am happy to know I will never let myself go again. I knew I would become this strenght when I stopped consuming drugs, I felt like, now that I have finally stopped my body from poisoning itself, I will NEVER go back to it. And then I received a great suport from desteni I found ways to grow and expand. And here I am, seeing my whole life, seeing what affects me from my past, what would be the reality of it, and bringing myself to life in every breath.



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