Fifth day

Hello, I feel more inspired today, I perceive inspiration as a force of doing, of creating, of enjoying creation, of seeing a purpose, of seeing that what has to be done is done. I am learning a lot with desteni, if I am clear and sincere I feel some kind of afection to all this people working in this process, this comes from the fact that the time I have been seeing the message of desteni has had a big impact in my life. In the past I did felt this reaction in me, the reaction of... seeing a content that is true, that knows you better than yourself, and that puts you against your mind, I considered myself an spiritual person, that just means I made an ego with it, my ego became stronger, it was with desteni that I could really have all the answers, and have the practical aplication of how to do it, I just love that combination. You receive all the information, there is no hidden menssage that the person is keeping to himself, and you also receive the practical aplication. So it's just a fact, I see desteni a very positive thing in my mind, that's why I don't mind paying for some content, even if I didn't have to pay I would consider donating some money for the help I  have received. I am sometimes possesive with my money, because I have times where I need it, for example to buy things I really like like my guitar and that kind of stuff, but I am also a person that doesn't protect his money very much, and not because I don't know its value or I am a fool, it's just that for me it makes no difference to have more or to have less, I will be the same, and if I can spend it in good things instead of drugs well much better hahahahaha.

I have noticed how it's easy for me to have afection with the people I already know but I have a barrier with unknown people. For people I know, what they are for me in my universe, they are just people but I would see them as a part of me I develop and I help, even that I take care of, I sometimes think about the people around me, how they are, what they really need, it's a bit surprising to see myself saying that, that is a fact, because I also have a part of me that is the ego of I want to be better than you, and thereforce I can't help you because you would become the same that I am and I want to be better so the less you are the better for me, I am working on this part of me, I feel sometimes how I have shared something with a person and then that person won't even care about me and it's like... I  have gave you something of value and I would like at least see that you would do the same for me. I am not always like this, only when I am triggered into the feelins, for example with my brother, a person with a very tragic existence... I help him unconditionally, but I also have other people that I have this kind of competition, but in fact I recently healed the competition, from competition to supportive relationship, so I am making progress. My brother is a really tragic story, I mean there are stories more tragic than his one, but he is near me, I know him very well, and it's just sad, when I listen to him and I see what his voice tells me... all the intelligence he could have and that he has lost... all the going down instead of up... I read in is voice a person that doesn't know what he is really going through, he knows, because I have talked to him a lot of times, but if he really knew what he has lost he would start to cry and change, that is what I try to open with him, but he closes so fast, he is not constant, and I can't do anything with that it's up to him...  I am doing my best. So that is the story of my older brother, I fear that he will never come back to life.

So going back to the afection, when I know a person I have some kind of ressistance, I would even say I reject them... like... I don't want you to be this close, I am knowing you, we are getting close, like if we already know each other, I can't accept this... it's sad to see how I really work... I mean it's not that sad but it just surprised me to express right now what is behind the resistance. To look an unknown person in the eyes, and know each other, I feel like... I will only do this if you have something of value for me... because if you have something of value I will be doing it because of the value and not because I love you for who you are, because if I love you for who you are... what would happen then? that we would accept each other as equals? Maybe what I fear when they get close is that they will reject me, and I cover that with... being bad, with saying if you don't have anything of value for me I won't accept you, but what is really behind that is that I refuse the conection...

I think I should have more love with the people...

I will accept them as I would like to be accepted.

I have this thing saying to me... I don't need any conection with anyone! And that is also true, the two parts exists... I really don't want to need it, I won't need it, but at the same time I will really allow it to happen, just this affection to the people... ugh...

I see more or less from where all this come from...

Enough for this moment.

And by the way, within all of this I see how a person can react to a certain thing, and still not be the entire manifestation of who he really is, I really tend to judge people becaused on the reaction, but there is a whole world inside of them.


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